2011. How do you say good bye to an entire year? The calendar is officially flipping over to a new page. With a new heading, 2012. A new year with nothing but a blank canvas.
I've done reflection posts every year, chronicling events that made "the year." Each year seems to have a theme; the year of triathlons, the year of new jobs, the year of the move. So when I began to think about this years post, I wondered how to describe it's "theme".
2011 is a year I will never forget. It's like a piece of sucker candy that has many, many layers of flavor that are revealed as you get further into the candy. The year began with what I perceived as tremendous blessings. So many things that I thanked God for every night in my prayers. Adoption. Friends. Kids thriving in youth group. Church. A dream job. Health. You name it.... blessed.
I wrestle all the time with the question of blessing. Why does God give and take away? How can something be a blessing one minute and seemingly a curse the next? How can adoption be so right yet suddenly seem so impossible? How can something that was so right suddenly be so wrong? I was tormented by this juxtaposition, completely.
In a single year I have had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows all wrapped up into one package. In the same year I have been the closest ever in my life to Christ and the furthest I have ever been in my life to Christ. I have been the happiest and the saddest I have ever been. I have counted my blessings and watched as they were taken away. I have pleaded with Jesus for answers to tough questions never to hear a response. I have been up against things I never, ever wanted to be up against. I have experienced joy in places I didn't know existed. I have cried in my sleep. I have felt Gods call to adoption and have felt the gaping hole sadness when I pulled the plug. I have been astonished at my ability to fail. I have experienced love from my friends and family like never before. I have looked in the eyes of people I have nothing in common with and somehow felt like the gap was not so large after all. I have felt hopeless, completely. I have found hope. I have learned how to pray for people who are hurting and how to be a better friend. I have learned that broken people are beautiful people, and that we are all one step from falling on our knees. I have learned that one of the most beautiful places on this earth is Africa and that my heart is wrapped in it's shape. That falling down is ok, as long as you get back up. I learned what it feels like to be the object of Gods grace and mercy. I learned what it means to guard your heart above all else. I have watched and prayed as my friends untimely buried their children. I have watched and prayed as my friend who buried her son last year reclaimed her soul from the depths of darkness, and cried along side her as she clawed her way out to victory. That I really am an inside out Oreo. That there are people dying on this earth because of their water, or lack there of. That I have the most generous, giving friends on the planet. That I have a passion for water and those who lack it. That it's ok to be happy one minute and sad the next, just because. That spiritual warfare is as real as the grey hairs on my head. I've turned a year older and watched my family do the same. I have walked with the poorest of the poor and felt richer than ever because Jesus was right there. I have had African dirt under my fingernails and cried as it faded away. I have understood that God doesn't make mistakes, even if it hurts. That following your heart is always right if it's in line with Gods will. That quitting your dream job to follow your heart really is courageous and God always honors obedience. That watching your baby get her drivers license is exciting and sad all in the same exhale. Realizing you are officially the shortest person in the family, bummer! That boys go to bed one night and wake up men the next... deep voice and all. That forgiveness runs deep. And that love covers a multitude.....
When I sum all of these layers together and peek into 2012; I realize my capacity to love, forgive, pray, seek, and find is greater because of all that 2011 brought to my plate. So for today, I consider it all a blessing. I pray that 2012 be less on the learning curve side of life and more on the giving curve. I want to give until it hurts and then give a little more. I want to love without fear or abandon. I want to see more of Africa and take my family with. I want health for myself and everyone else. I want to do so much more with so much less. I want to cry more tears of joy and less of tears of disappointment. I want to see more of this world and less of my four walls. I want my family to grow by leaps and bounds. I want to dive into the world of non-profits. I want to write. I want to bless others. I want to find peace in every thought and memory. But most of all, I want Jesus. I want to know him more, understand him more, see him at work more, hear him more, and just be with him. His will be done, not mine. So if his grand plan for my life includes any of the above requests for 2012, awesome! If not, as long as I'm walking in his steps, I will gratefully accept everyday...no matter what.
Happy New Year my dear friends. May you find the Lords favor upon you in 2012.
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