Unresolved

We just got home from an dinner that benefited the ministry I was supposed to go to Uganda with in March, True Impact Ministries. It was such a special evening of hearing and seeing the absolutely incredible things God is doing through this ministry. And a private concert by Danny Oertli, what a great way to spend a Saturday night.

On the drive home I was a bit sad, disappointed that I was sidelined. I was watching the navigation screen in my car and direct us back to Parker. Go left, turn here, you are going south..... So clear. So direct. I wish God was that clear with me all the time. I wish I knew what lies 10 miles ahead of this journey.

And this morning I had coffee with a good friend who has a non-profit that works in Uganda. Among many other things; saving girls from sexual slavery and abuse; rescuing girls from the hands that abuse them. Counseling girls (notice the word girl.. not woman) who are pregnant due to rape (although it happens to grown woman too). And dealing with shame that is not even theirs to own. Intervening in places most people would not even fathom. Shame. The ultimate scheme of the enemy. Instead of worrying about what restaurant to eat at tonight... she's radically intervening onto the landscape of undeserved shame. The hands and feet of Jesus. Loving and praying through the power of the Holy Spirit to change the landscape; of even one starfish.

There are days, hours, weeks, moments that my heart just utterly aches for something different. When I just want to go into my closet, throw everything out but a pair of running shoes and my most comfy workout pants. When I wonder why I came back to parts of my prior life. Where I just cannot reconcile my new skin with my old environment. I'm just not a stuff person and I feel stuck in a stuff place. As I sit in my cozy bed with cozy blankets and fuzzy socks... my heart cringes with un-resolve when I think about the babies I know are sleeping on dirt roads halfway across the world. With no mom or dad. How do I reconcile this with my life? Tonight my heart breaks all over again. My internal transformation has external implications, but what exactly are they tonight?